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I. SETTING BOUNDARIES
II. GRIEVING OUR LOSSES
III. WORKING THROUGH SHAME AND GUILT
IV. REPARENTING
V. AFFIRMATIONS
VI. BECOMES A WHOLE PERSON
Specialty Issues:
Identifies boundaries that are damaged
Establishes boundaries with self and others
Respects boundaries with self and others
Sees self as distinct and separate from others
Identifies grief issues from childhood
Releases anger and rage
Expresses hurt and sadness
Tells story of life to trusted others
Accepts self and others
Recognizes difference between shame (who we are) and guilt (what we did)
Recognizes how shame leads to compulsive behavior
Identifies shame attacks
Initiates strategies for working through shame and guilt
When guilty, makes immediate amends
When shameful, affirms self with help of trusted others
Identifies the child inside
Becomes acquainted with the inner child
Becomes aware of the pain and joy experienced by the inner child
Lovingly nurtures the inner child
Accepts nurturing from trusted others
Takes complete responsibility for self
Becomes aware of need to love self
Accepts and believes affirmations from self
Accepts and believes affirmations from trusted others
Has a wide variety of friends and social outlets
Expresses a wide range of emotions
Makes healthy choices
Maintains a healthy lifestyle
Sees new possibilities for self and others
Maintains a personal relationship with a higher power
Characteristics
of a Recovered Co-Dependent
(keeping in mind that recovery is a lifelong process)
1. I accept myself fully, even while wanting to change parts of myself.
I have a basic self-love and self-regard, which I carefully nurture and purposely expand.
2. I accept others as they are without trying to change them to meet my needs.
3. I am in touch with my feelings and attitudes about every aspect if my life, including my sexuality.
4. I cherish every aspect of myself: my personality, my appearance, my beliefs and values, my body, my interests and accomplishments. I validate myself, rather than search for a relationship to give me a sense of self-worth.
5. My self-esteem is great enough that I can enjoy being with others, especially men (or women, as the case may be) who are fine just as they are. I do not need to be needed in order to feel worthy.
6. I allow myself to be open and trusting with appropriate people. I am not afraid to be known at a deeply, personal level, but I do not expose myself to the exploitation of those who are not interested in my well-being.
7. I question: "Is this relationship good for me?" Does it enable me to grow into all I am capable of being?
8. When a relationship is destructive, I am able to let go of it without experiencing disabling depression. I have a circle of supportive friends and healthy interests to see me through crises.
9. I value my own serenity above all else. All the struggles, drama, chaos of the past have lost their appeal. I am protective of myself, my health, and my well-being.
10. I know that a relationship, in order to work, must be between partners who share values, interests and goals, and who each have a capacity for intimacy. I know that I am worthy of the best life has to offer.
(Suggestion: Use these "characteristics" as daily affirmations.)
PHASES OF RECOVERY
1. I realize what I am doing and wish I could stop.
2. I am willing to get help for myself.
3. I actually attempt to secure help.
4. I enter "recovery" with a commitment to my own healing and a
willing to continue with my recovery program.
5. I change how I act, think, and feel.
6. I start making choices that no longer follow my old patterns but
enhance my life and promote my well-being instead.
7. I love and accept myself fully ... (etc., as above).
Adapted from WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH by Robin Norwood
Chapter 11 "Recovery and Intimacy: Closing the Gap"
Contact Mark Felber to schedule your free consultation.
E-mail mark@marriagecpr.com