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(These characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation.
My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you.
My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you.
Your struggle affects my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems or
relieving your pain.
My mental attention is focused on you.
My mental attention is focused on manipulating you (to do it my way).
My self esteem is bolstered by solving your problems.
My self-esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain.
My own hobbies and interests are put aside. My time is spent sharing your interests and hobbies.
Your clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desires as I feel you are a reflection of me.
Your behavior is dictated by my desires as I feel you are a reflection of me.
I am not aware of what I want -- I ask what you want. I am not aware -- I assume.
The dreams that I have for my future are linked to you.
My fear of rejection determines what I say or do.
My fear of anger determines what I say or do.
I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship.
My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you.
I put my values aside in order to connect with you.
I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own.
The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of yours.
* Co-Dependents Anonymous 1988
The following are some clinical clues suggested by Dr. Don Wegscheider, author of
If My Family Only Understood Me.
1. SUPER-RESPONSIBILITY - If I don't take care of things, they just won't get done.
Specialty Issues:
They may be particularly helpful to individuals as they begin to understand co-dependency.)
2. PSEUDO-FRAGILITY - I don't know how much more of this I can take.
3. HYPOCHONDRIA - I hardly get over one cold when I catch another.
4. POWERLESSNESS - I've tried everything to get him to stop.
5. SELF-BLAME - I should have planned for that.
Typical Characteristics of a Co-Dependent
(These characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. They may be particularly helpful to individuals as they begin to understand co-dependency.)
I assume responsibility for others' feelings and/or behaviors.
I feel overly responsible for others' feelings and/or behaviors.
I have difficulty expressing feelings I am feeling ... happy, sad, joyful, hurt.
I tend to fear or worry about how others may respond to my feelings.
I have difficulty forming and/or maintaining close relationships.
I am afraid of being hurt and/or rejected by others.
I am perfectionistic and place too many expectations on myself and others.
I have difficulty making decisions.
I tend to minimize, alter or even deny the truth about how I feel.
Other people's actions and attitudes tend to determine how I respond/react.
I tend to put other people's wants and needs first.
My fear of others' feelings (anger) determines what I say and do.
I question or ignore my own values to connect with significant others. I value others' opinions more than my own.
My self-esteem is bolstered by outer/other influences. I cannot acknowledge good things about myself. My serenity and mental attention is determined by how others are feeling and/or behaving.
I tend to judge everything I do, think or say harshly, by someone else's standards -- nothing is done, said or thought "good enough."
I do not know that it is okay to talk about problems outside the family; or that feelings just are -- and it is better to share than to deny, minimize or justify them.
I tend to put other people's wants and needs before my own.
I am steadfastly loyal -- even when the loyalty is unjustified -- and personally harmful.
I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.
Contact Mark Felber to schedule your free consultation.
E-mail mark@marriagecpr.com