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Adult Children Of Alcoholic and Other Dysfunctional Families
...continued from page 1.
As Adult Children, we are horrified by the images we have of ourselves. What
we see reflected in the distorted mirror of family dysfunction are projected
images of hostility and hate. In a desperate effort to connect and belong, we
force ourselves to fit these distorted images and become false selves to keep
from feeling isolated and alone. Sadly, we often become mirrors for our
family, struggling without success to reflect the love we need for ourselves.
This tragic reversal further robs us of the chance to form an identity based
on being valued and loved. The strength of this desperate attachment becomes
clear when we attempt to change the family's belief about who we must be and
find a less violent identity.
Adult Children are frequently paralyzed by indecision when trying to separate
emotionally from their homes. They are in conflict about when to approach and
when to avoid the very people on whom they depend to give security, comfort
and love because these are the same people who are destroying the children's
sense of well-being. They are equally in conflict about leaving home,
burdened with shame and guilt and a massive sense of failure for being unable
to find a less violent solution to the problem of pain. With few social
skills and an inability to discriminate between whom to approach and whom to
avoid in the outside world, they are forced to agonize in the middle to fight
falling into despair.
To survive in the midst of confusion and to have any sense of control, Adult
Children must distance or dissociate from their feelings of panic and fear.
There are three forms of dissociation. The first uses the functional
defenses of the mind to deny or distort the painful reality by repressing,
projecting or rationalizing the feelings which are causing the pain. Using a
substance to alter the feelings is the second way to dissociate from feelings
of pain. The most easily available substances are alcohol, sugar, nicotine,
and caffeine. A final form of dissociation uses negative excitement to keep
us unaware of deeper fear. By focusing our attention on phobias, obsessions,
dreams, taboos, and compulsively tensing in response to these fears, we force
the body to build a protective physical armor and to produce adrenaline,
endorphins and melatonin to chemically block the perception of pain. All
three forms of dissociation keep us imprisoned in a narrow and familiar range
of behavior, never reaching the extremes of panicked exhaustion or of
collapse into suicidal despair.
Freedom from our childhood addictive or abusive home environments is a
question of responsibility. We cannot be responsible for something we did not
create. For example, the decision to stop drinking belonged to the alcoholic
alone, and there is no need to punish or reject ourselves for the frightening
consequences of someone else's decision. As children we are tied to our
families by our physical needs. As adults we are held only by the shared
beliefs about who we are. Our mistaken beliefs about who we must be to
survive are based on the reality of our having survived in a dysfunctional
family system, where our every move or failure to move might bring injury,
pain, or death. These beliefs are false only because they continue to give a
limited view of the world as a dangerous and hostile place. Our survival
beliefs represent our understanding of how to think, feel, and behave in
keeping the fragile balance and rigid stability we associate with being
alive. They were essential to our well-being as children. They were formed
during times of great fear and distress and are necessarily concerned with
extremes. We are unable to imagine or conceive of a less painful, more
fulfilling way of living, thinking we live in a world dominated by addictive
or abusive behaviors. We are constantly afraid of losing control, of finding
ourselves once again in the confusion and chaos of our dysfunctional home, of
being overwhelmed by feelings of sadness or grief for our childhood.
The paradox of independence is that in separation we do find the courage and
strength to live in the world as complete human beings, capable of giving and
receiving love, of creating out of a sense of wholeness. In normal separation
children are reassured by leaving and returning to consistent loving parents,
and they then carry these parents inside to remind themselves they are safe
and loved. As Adult Children, we internalize parents who are filled with
rage, and self-hate and who have projected these feelings onto us. We carry
this negative view of ourselves, feeling insecure and frightened of our own
self-rejection and of being rejected by others. We remain in the same
double-bind we experienced as children, unable to detach from or remain with
people who caused us harm.
In a normal home, children also internalize the strength of their parents.
They feel securely held by a sense of parental power which gives logic and
structure to their lives. With this foundation and strength, they are able to
build a self and create loving intimacy through their own sense of power.
Adult Children have an overriding feeling of powerlessness for being unable
to stop the destructive effects of family dysfunction.
Our particular need is to create a new identity based on being valued and
loved. By accepting and reuniting with the vulnerable child hidden inside, we
begin to heal the broken pieces of our shattered selves and become whole
human beings capable of interacting with the world with confidence and trust.
By accepting our unchangeable past and changing beliefs that keep us bound
and confused, we broaden and deepen our self-awareness, and create the
possibility of emotional sobriety and spiritual freedom for anyone affected
by the legacy of family dysfunction, alcoholism, or drug abuse.
Contact Mark Felber to schedule your free consultation.
Specialty Issues:
E-mail mark@marriagecpr.com