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Two Basic Intentions Observed When Communicating
| N.B. | Conflict only exists when one or both partners feel misunderstood.
By contrast, when partners feel mutually understood, their differences don't trigger conflict. |
1. TO UNDERSTAND AND TO LEARN (OPEN)
- I intend to really listen to you, to understand your point of view.
- I want you to know I'm bringing up this subject because I care about you and our relationship.
- I am committed to making this dialogue safe for both of us.
- It is my intention to get to a good place where we feel connected and close.
- I really want to find a win/win solution for us.
- I want you to know in this dialogue that I am on your side.
- I commit myself to listening to you with an open heart and mind.
2. TO PROTECT, DEFEND, AND ATTACK (CLOSED)
Polarization involves a certain sequence of beliefs:
- I feel misunderstood by you.
- My needs are not being met by you.
- You do not want to meet my needs. You don't care about me.
- I see you as hostile and malicious.
- I can't be me and be loved by you. You do not see or hear me and you do not want to see or
hear me.
- Whatever I do for you isn't appreciated or is never good enough.
- Why should I be in this relationship at all?
Adapted from article by Bruce Wood, Imago Dialogue, Spring 1998.
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